


Adventures of a Rabbit Hobbit

by McCoysSecretLover



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Animal Transformation, M/M, Male Slash, Multi, Sort of a Crack Fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-15
Updated: 2014-12-19
Packaged: 2017-12-08 13:43:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/761989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/McCoysSecretLover/pseuds/McCoysSecretLover
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This story is based off of the artwork of Caylren on deviant art. Here's a link to go look at it http://caylren.deviantart.com/art/The-Hobbit-Rabbit-Bilbo-357708408. Just highlight the web address, right click, find and click go to the web address and it should take you there. Now, I'm going to use Caylren's summary for the story.<br/>Bilbo Baggins was cursed to a be rabbit for a time longer than he could remember. When Gandalf showed up and asked him to accompany him and thirteen dwarves on a quest to reclaim Erebor, he agreed in hope that he would find a cure to his curse on the journey.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Adventures and Rabbits

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter won't be short but it won't be long either so I can idea of where I want to go with this. If anyone wants to beta this for me I would be grateful. This is slightly AU if you haven't guessed already.  
> Also all characters belong to Tolkien and not me otherwise I would probably be very rich. I'm just playing with the toys.

 

In a hole in the ground lived a hobbit named Bilbo Baggins, but this hobbit was different than the others. Bilbo Baggins was a rabbit, cursed this way for longer than he could remember. He longed for this curse to be broken but so far had found nothing to lift it. There was one upside to the curse though. Every full moon like a werewolf he changed. Except instead of turning into an animal, he turned into a hobbit. He had learned to just accept his lot in life and try to make the best of it.

Bilbo Baggins sat outside of his home enjoying the morning air, smell of flowers, and sunshine. Letting the sun warm his fur and contemplating going inside to enjoy second breakfast, Bilbo didn’t notice anyone was there until a shadow fell across him blocking out the sun and his warmth. Eyes snapping open immediately, he stares up at whoever is there. In front of him is an elderly Man dressed in a grey cloak with a gray scarf around his neck, a pointed gray hat on his head, a long gray bread, and a gnarled staff in his hand. The old man doesn't seem surprised to see a rabbit in clothes sitting outside a small home in the hill. It seems like the old man knows who he is.

"Good morning.” Bilbo says politely.

The old man smiling replies, "What do you mean? Do you mean to wish me a good morning or do you mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not. Or perhaps you mean to say you feel good on this particular morning or are you simple stating that this is a morning to be good on?"

Confused Bilbo answers, "All of them at once I suppose."

The old frowns and stares at Bilbo. Bilbo feeling confused and uncomfortable decides to find out what the old man wants.

"Can I help you?" The old man stares for a moment before replying.

"That remains to be seen. I'm looking for someone to go on an adventure."

Bilbo is surprised but asks, "An adventure? What sort of adventure?"

The old man smiles a little and says, "One that will take you to far away places. If you are willing, the others and myself can come by later and discuss the adventure with you."

Bilbo thinks about it for a moment before replying, "Alright. I'll have someone help me prepare dinner. How many of you will there be?"

"A total of 14, myself and 13 others. If that is not asking too much."

"Oh no, it is fine. I will just have to have a lot of food made is all."

The old man smiles and starts to walk off. Bilbo realizes he never caught the old man's name. He calls out to him.

"Wait, you never told me your name."

The old man huffs but smiles a tiny bit. He stares a little before answering.

"My name is Gandalf and Gandalf means me."

Bilbo is genuinely surprised and it must have shown because the wizard frowns a little.

"Not Gandalf the wandering wizard who made such wonderful fireworks. I loved watching them. I thought you were no longer in business."

Gandalf looks a little put off by that and asks, "And where else would I be?"

Bilbo blushes and stutters before saying, "Right, well I shall see you later Gandalf." He turns and hops off towards the door. He looks back before going in to see Gandalf still standing there. He huffs and goes back inside, he has a lot to do so supper will be ready tonight. Gandalf waits until Bilbo gets inside to walk up to the door and a carve a rune into it so the dwarves can find the place if they show up before him before leaving. Tonight will be very amusing for him to watch.


	2. Chapter 2: An Expected Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Biblo gets ready for the dwarves and then they meet. They have dinner and discuss the quest. Thorin and Bilbo anger each other and Bilbo changes into a hobbit without the dwarves knowing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's the next chapter. I've now realized that this story may indeed be a bit of a crack fic. I stole a lot of lines from the film too. Enjoy!

Once inside of his home, Bilbo begins going through everything he will need tonight in his head. He realizes that he doesn't know who his guests will be or what they will be and therefore the amount of food he will need. Bilbo decides to just act like they are hobbits and have a lot of food prepared for them. Bilbo hops to his pantry but realizes he’ll need help taking stock of what he had so he goes next door to Hamfast Gamgee's home to ask for it. He finds him in the garden, tending to the plants.

"Good morning Hamfast."

Hamfast startles a little and looks around before spotting where the voice came from. He notices Bilbo sitting beside him watching.

"Good morning Mr. Baggins. How can I help you?"

"Really Hamfast, I've told you to just call me Bilbo and I could use your help. Gandalf is coming tonight with thirteen others for supper and I need to take stock of what I have in my pantry."

"I'll gladly help Mr. Baggi-Mr. Bilbo. If you like, I can get some of the other hobbits to help make food and set the table and what not."

Bilbo smiles a little before replying, "Thank you Hamfast that would be gratefully appreciated."

Most hobbits love Bilbo, except the Sackville-Baggins, despite him being a rabbit and he has no trouble with them. He loves the other hobbits, except the Sackville-Baggins, as well but most of the time felt uncomfortable because it's awkward being a rabbit that can talk and dress in clothes. The Sackville-Baggins hate him because he got Bag End, when quote "a rabbit does not need to have a hobbit hole all to himself when he can't possible reach anything in it." Bilbo has been cursed as a rabbit for as long as he can remember and for the life of him could not remember who his parents were. He had been wondering through the shire for a few years when Bungo Baggins and Belladonna Baggins nee Took took him in and gave him the last name of Baggins. They treated him like he was their son and before they died they made sure to give Bilbo Bag End so he would have somewhere comfortable to stay, even if it was much too large for him to use anything. The Sackville-Baggins had been outraged because they wanted Bag End and everything that came with it, including Bungo and Belladonna's wealth.

Bilbo hops alongside Hamfast as they head into Bag End. When they reach the pantry, Hamfast begins making a list of everything there. The meats and cheeses and things like that were up on the top shelves, while the vegetables were on the bottom where Bilbo can reach them in rabbit form. Hamfast finishes making the list and looks down to Bilbo, showing him what he has.

"Well Mr. Bilbo, you should have plenty of food for fourteen people. What do you want served to your guest?"

Looking at the list Bilbo just decides to go ahead and basically empty the entire pantry for them. He most likely will decide to go on this adventure if it isn't too dangerous, and if it is, he can always have Hamfast take him to the market and help him buy more.

"Go ahead and just put out everything for them Hamfast. I don't know exactly who they are or what they are, so I plan on acting like they are hobbits and have a whole lot of food."

"Smart thing to do Mr. Bilbo, anything extra can always be stored for another time. Now, I'm going to go fetch the other hobbits to help prepare and set up. I'll be back soon." Bilbo watches as Hamfast walks away and leaves the house. Knowing they will want his input on what should be made and where everything should go, Bilbo heads towards the kitchen. He hops on a chair and then onto the table and waits until they return.

Not long after he left Hamfast came back with nine other hobbits in tow. Five female hobbits to do the cooking and four other males to help move things around. Hamfast looks around and doesn't spot Bilbo anywhere.

"Mr. Bilbo?"

"I'm in the kitchen Hamfast," comes the reply. Hamfast and the others head towards the kitchen and find Bilbo sitting on the table waiting for them.

"Hello everyone. If you don't mind, I would like to get started right away. I am not quite sure when my guests will arrive and I would like to have everything ready when they do arrive."

Hamfast's wife steps forward and smiles at him before replying, "We don't mind Mr. Baggins, we know the feeling. Just tell us what you want and we'll get started." With that, Bilbo begins directing the women on what to make and the men on where he wants the food put out and where he wants places set for the guests. They work quickly and hard and within a few hours, everything was ready.

As he escorts the other hobbits out of the door Bilbo thanks them.

"Thank you all for all of your hard work." Hamfast and the others just smile before Hamfast replies to him.

"It was no problem Mr. Baggins. We were happy to help. Now, it's probably time for us to head out so we don't disturb your guests when they arrive. Good night Mr. Baggins."

"Good night everyone." The others wish him a good night and leave and Bilbo follows them out to sit in front of the door outside, Hamfast closing it for him. As he was sitting there, Bilbo notices a rune carved on his door. He guesses Gandalf has put it there so his guests will know where to go but is still upset.

"The nerve of that wizard. That rune better go away or I'll be having words with him and I'll make him replace the door."

Bilbo continues to sit in front of the door and has been there for an hour when boredom starts to take over. He notices that nearby there were some new flowers that Hamfast has put in for him. He wanders over and is inspecting them when he hears a noise on the path leading up to his home. Looking up quickly to make sure it wasn't Lobelia trying to find a way to get rid of him so she could have Bag End (she's tried before but luckily Hamfast had intervened every time), he sees a tall man leading thirteen shorter people towards his home. 'There's Gandalf, and those must be his guest. They must be dwarves because they're too short to be men or elves and a bit too tall to be hobbits. How exciting this is, I've never met a dwarf before' Bilbo thinks to himself. He moves back in front of the door and waits till they have reached him. Gandalf smiles when he sees Bilbo sitting there.

"Good evening Bilbo."

"Good evening Gandalf. Who are your companions?"

"Ah, yes. Let me introduce you." He moves back a little, but not enough so that the dwarves can properly see Bilbo (it amuses Gandalf greatly that they can't actually see who he is talking to), and points as he gave their names. "That's Dwalin with all the tattoos and his brother Balin. Dori and his brothers Nori and Ori. Bofur is the one with the hat and his brother Bombur is the large fellow and their cousin Bifur is standing with them, he doesn't speak Westron so it's best to find someone to translate what he's saying. Then there's Óin and his brother Glóin, Óin is rather hard of hearing so you'll have to shout if you want him to hear you. Next are Fíli and Kíli, rather rambunctious lads. Finally there is the leader of our company Thorin Oakenshield."

The dwarves meanwhile can't see who Gandalf is talking to and some of them think that he might be talking to no one, afraid the wizard has finally lost it. Once he moves out of the way though, they could see a small rabbit sitting in front of the green door in a waistcoat. Gandalf smirks at the reactions of the company.

"Thorin, allow me to introduce the 14th member of our company, Bilbo Baggins." Thorin and a few of the others gape for a few moments while Fíli, Kíli and Ori all aw at him. Thorin regains some of his composure but is still freaking out.

"It's a rabbit! Balin, it's a rabbit." Balin was still a little shocked and barely answered him.

"Yes, it is a rabbit." Meanwhile Fíli and Kíli could no longer contain their excitement.

"Oh! Mr. Boggins is a little rabbit!" Kíli exclaims.

Fíli exclaims, "A cute little rabbit!" Thorin, finally regaining all of his composure, turns to glare at Gandalf.

"Is this your idea of a joke wizard because if it is, it is not funny."

"This is no joke Thorin. Why don't we go inside, have some supper, and everything will be explained."

Thorin huffs before answering, "Fine. We'll go inside but I want answers."

Gandalf smirks a little before replying, "And you will get them but first, supper." Turning to Bilbo he addresses him.

"Bilbo, if you wouldn't mind leading the way."

Bilbo nods, "Of course Gandalf. If you'll follow me, I'll lead you to the food." Turning towards the door he steps on a mechanism that will open and close the door for him so he doesn't have to rely on anyone else all the time and leads them inside. He can hear the ones named Fíli and Kíli whispering something about keeping him and the one named Ori whispering about knitting him a little sweater. He ignores them and continues on before finally stopping before the dining room.

"If you’ll just pick a seat and sit, we can begin eating.” One by one the dwarves pick a seat with Thorin at the end towards the hall, Gandalf next to him, and everyone else filling in after that. Bilbo makes sure they are all seated happily before heading towards the only unoccupied chair to hop on the table. As he is hopping towards his destination, a pair of hands manages to grab him and haul him up into the air. Feeling frightened he closes his eyes and waits for the movement to stop. Once he is still he opens his eyes to see who is holding him. It’s Kíli of course, he hadn’t heard him get up. Fíli, meanwhile, is chastising him.

"Kíli, I told you to ask before you picked him. I'm sure you just scared him to death."

"Well, he moves really fast Fíli. I didn't want him move away before I could ask." Looking sheepishly at Bilbo he apologizes.

"Sorry Mr. Boggins, we just wanted to ask if you would sit by us. You move so fast though and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to ask and Fíli, Ori, and I have some questions and we were hoping you would answer them." Once his heart has slowed down, Bilbo stares for a moment. He can see Fíli sitting nearby with an empty chair next to him where Kíli had been sitting and Ori on the other side of the empty chair next to Dori.

"I accept your apology and I wouldn't mind sitting by you three. I'd be happy to answer your questions. Now, please sit down and put me down on the table. I'm not terrible fond of being up so high, even if someone is holding me. I've been dropped one too many times to be comfortable with it." (The little hobbit children of the Shire loved any opportunity to hold Bilbo and pet him. Usually he doesn’t mind but quite a few of the children have dropped him by accident, resulting in many bruises and a few broken bones.)

"Oh! Of course Mr. Boggins." Kíli rushes towards his chair and sits down before gently setting Bilbo on the table. Bilbo shakes himself before turning towards the three youngsters; he doesn't feel like enduring the curious stares of the others at the moment. Ori is looking at him shyly while Fíli and Kíli look like they can barely contain their excitement.

Ori shyly asks, "Mr. Baggins would you like something to eat?"

Bilbo smiles at him, "Yes Ori, thank you. Any of the vegetables will do." The three quickly gather a few vegetables for him to eat and got some food for themselves while they are at it. They eat in silence for a few minutes before any of the youngsters get up the courage to ask a question. No surprise, it’s Kíli who asks the first question. Of course it’s around a mouthful of food.

"Mr. Boggins, how did you become a rabbit?" Fíli and Ori both choke on their food at the bluntness of his question. They had planned on asking some others first before asking that one. Bilbo meanwhile looks at Kíli, not amused with him talking with his mouth full.

"Manners Kíli. Swallow your food before you talk or you'll end up choking.” Bilbo chastises. Kíli looks at him sheepishly and blushes, "Sorry Mr. Boggins."

Bilbo smiles before continuing, "Now, as for your question, I've been this way for as long as I can remember. I don't remember a time before being a rabbit." He doesn't realize that as he answers the question, the other dwarves are watching and listening to him. Ori stares at him curiously.

"What about your parents?” he asks. Bilbo sighs realizing they thought that this was his parents' home.

"I don't remember them. I had been wondering the shire for a few years when the couple who lived here took me in. They didn't have any children and just treated me like their son and gave me their last name. Before they died they left me Bag End, which displeased some of their relatives who really wanted the place. Thankfully most of the other hobbits are rather pleasant towards me and help me out whenever I need it." Once he was done answering the other dwarves quickly go back to their conversations to hide that they had been listening. Trying to lighten the mood, Ori begins asking him about hobbits and Bilbo happily answers the questions.

Once dinner is done Thorin goes outside to smoke his pipe and think. Bilbo has hopped down from the table and begins hopping towards the pantry to see if there was anything left that could go bad and have the dwarves consume it tomorrow if there was. Gandalf stops him to talk.

“Well, want do you think so far Bilbo?”

“They seem like a lovely bunch, some of them are a bit intimidating though.”

“Yes they are but once you get to know them that feeling will go away.”

“I’m sure. Gandalf, are you going to tell me about this quest?”

“Soon Bilbo. Once Thorin rejoins us we will explain everything.”

“Is there a chance they might be able to help me lift my curse on this quest?”

“Maybe. We would have to see as the quest progressed.”

“Alright, but what will my role be?”

“That will be explained soon Bilbo, just have patience.” Bilbo huffs after Gandalf says this. As they’re talking Ori approaches with his plate.

"Excuse me, but what should I do with my plate?" Before Bilbo can answer, Fíli appears beside him.

"Give it here Ori.” he says and takes the plate from Ori and proceeds to toss it down the hall to Kíli. Kíli tosses the dish towards the kitchen. Bilbo, meanwhile, is beginning having a panic attack because that was his "mother's" West Farthing pottery they are tossing around and he says as much. Four of the dwarves at the table begin clinking the silverware together. He's afraid they will damage it.

"Could you not do that, you'll blunt them."

"Ooh. Did you hear that lads? He's says we'll blunt the knives.” Bofur says. The dwarves then proceed to sing about doing horrible things to his stuff and things he hated. As they finish singing, Bilbo manages to get up on the table and see a neat pile of clean dishes sitting there and the dwarves laugh. Thorin comes back in and immediately they stop. Thorin looks at them before sighing and rolling his eyes and then sits back down.

"I believe I was promised an explanation."

Gandalf sighs, "I believe you already got one when Fíli, Kíli, and Ori where asking questions but I'm sure Bilbo will be willing to explain again.” Thorin huffs but nods. “I also believe that Bilbo deserves an explanation of what this quest entails exactly." As he is saying this, he pulls out a map and begins explaining about a solitaire peak to the east. Bilbo is sitting near Gandalf and can see what the map says.

"The Lonely Mountain." From there the discussion goes to signs, dragons, hidden doors, and keys.

“The task I have in mind will require a great deal of stealth and no small amount of courage." Gandalf says and as he says this he looks towards Bilbo. Bilbo stares back and Gandalf continues.

"But if we are clever and careful, I believe it can be done.”

"That's why we need a burglar.” Ori realizes. Bilbo is examining the map as Ori says this and speaks up.

"Hmmm, and a good one too. An expert I imagine."

“That’s where you come in Bilbo. You will be our burglar.” Gandalf says. The dwarves stare at Gandalf like he’s lost his mind. Bilbo is beginning to panic.

"Me? No. No, no, no, no. I'm not a burglar. I'm rabbit. I can't have possibly stolen a thing in my life.

Balin sighs and says, "I'm afraid I have to agree with Mr. Baggins. He's hardly burglar material, especially with being a rabbit." Bilbo nods his head, agreeing with him.

Dwalin finally speaks, "Aye. The wild is no place for a little rabbit like him who can neither fight nor fend for himself." Bilbo just agrees with him while the others begin to voice their opinions too, arguing amongst themselves. Gandalf watches them argue for a moment before he begins to rise from his seat, causing shadows to form around him.

"Enough! If I say Bilbo Baggins is a burglar, then a burglar he is. Hobbits and rabbits are remarkable light on their feet. In fact, they can pass unseen by most if they choose. And while the dragon is accustomed to the smell of dwarf, the scent of a hobbit and rabbit is all but unknown to him which gives us distinct advantage." As Gandalf is talking, Bilbo tries to interrupt but can't. Gandalf slowly sits down, talking to Thorin.

"You ask me to find the fourteenth member this company and I have chosen Mr. Baggins. There is a lot more to him than appearance suggests and he's got a great deal more to offer than any of you know, including himself." He looks to Bilbo as he sits on the table and then looks back to Thorin. "You must trust me on this."

"Very well.” Thorin says. "We'll do it your way." At this Bilbo tries to protest again but is still ignored. "Give him the contract." Balin stands and hands the contract to Gandalf so he can help Bilbo read it, telling him what's in the contract. Gandalf picks him up and puts him down in the hallway with the contract unfolded and then sits back down. As Bilbo is reading, Thorin stands closer to Gandalf and speaks.

"I cannot guarantee his safety." Gandalf nods and replies, "Understood." Thorin continues, "Nor will I be responsible for his fate." Gandalf pauses for a moment before answering, "Agreed." Meanwhile, Bilbo has gotten to the part of the contract where it talks about payment and continues on down, reading out loud.

"Present company shall not be liable for injuries inflicted by or sustained as a consequence thereof, including, but limited to lacerations...evisceration...Incineration?"

Bofur replies, "Oh aye. He'll melt the flesh off your bones in a blink of an eye." Bilbo moves away from the contract and starts hyperventilating a bit. Balin concerned asks, "You alright laddie?" Bilbo breathes out some air before replying, "I feel a bit faint." Bofur continues on with his description, "Think furnace with wings." Bilbo says, "Air. I need air." Bofur continues, "Flash of light, searing pain, then poof. You're nothing more than a pile of ash." They're all watching Bilbo now. He breathes in and says, "Nope." Then he faints, rolling onto his side.

Gandalf says, "Oh, very helpful Bofur." He gets up to make sure Bilbo is alright, carrying him to a chair and putting him in it. After Bilbo wakes up, he calmly sits there for a while thinking about it. He looks up at Gandalf and asks him a question.

"Gandalf, can you promise that we'll find a way to lift my curse on this quest?"

Gandalf replies, "No I cannot, but if you’re willing we can still try." Bilbo contemplates his answer before asking other question.

"Can you promise I'll come back safe?"

Gandalf answers, "No. But if you do, you'll never be the same."

"Right." Turning to Balin who has picked up the contract, he speaks to him. "If you could just leave the contract on the table, I'll sign it later." Tonight is a full moon so he'll temporarily be able to do things like that.

Balin stares at him for a moment before answering, "As you wish Mr. Baggins." He then places the contract on the table and walks towards Thorin. Thorin is staring at Bilbo incredulously. He didn’t want to take this rabbit on the quest with them. He wanted a real burglar. He had hoped that in giving the rabbit the contract it would read it and be too scared to come with them, wizard’s choice or not. Now it appeared that the rabbit would be coming after all. Once Balin is close enough, he begins complaining quietly to him about it.

"How is he going to sign the contract? He's a bloody rabbit for Mahal's sake! I swear, Gandalf has finally lost it. Bringing a rabbit on a serious quest like this."

Balin sighs, "Thorin, he must have a good reason for choosing Mr. Baggins. We just have to trust him on this."

Thorin huffs, "The only reason the rabbit is coming is because he's hoping we'll find a way to lift his curse. He's not doing this to help us." He storms off towards Gandalf to give him a piece of his mind before Balin can reply. As they're talking Bilbo can hear Thorin constantly calling him the Rabbit. He's outraged because he has a name and plans on making sure Thorin knows that. He backs a good way from Thorin and then runs towards his leg. Using his momentum he plows into the back of Thorin's knee, making Thorin fall down onto his front. As Bilbo is doing this he shouts, "Don't call me a Rabbit! I have a name, use it." He hops away from Thorin as the other dwarves and Gandalf laugh at him. Thorin gets up and quickly glares at Bilbo. Bilbo glares right back and before Thorin can say anything, Fíli and Kíli come to his rescue.

“Mr. Boggins, will you show where some extra bedding is?” asks Kíli.

“Yes.” Fíli says. “We were thinking of bedding down soon.” Bilbo smiles up at them.

“Of course boys, but there are guestrooms some of you can stay in for the night. The rest can bed down by the fire if they wish. Follow me and I’ll lead you to the extra bedding.” He sends one last glare Thorin’s way before he begins hopping down the hall with the boys following. Balin has pulled Thorin aside and is trying to calm him back, reminding him that Bilbo is now part of the company and he can’t kill and skin him. Down the hallway, Fíli and Kíli talk to Bilbo.

“You should be more careful Mr. Boggins. Uncle was ready to skin you and make a new glove or something with you.”

“Yes. You were lucky we saved you from his wrath.” The uncle statement has caused Bilbo to pause. He stares up at the two.

“Thorin is your uncle?”

“Oh yes. Our mother is his sister.”

“Hmm. Well I can see a bit of resemblance between you.” With that he continues on. He finally stops in front of a closet and opens it with another mechanism just like the one for the front door.

“Here we are. Grab as much of it as you want. Just make sure that it’s folded and put back in the morning.” The boys quickly grab as much as they can and turn to go back down the hallway. As they’re walking Fíli asks a question.

“Mr. Baggins, is that offer of a room still good?”

“Of course. There are enough rooms that everyone could be in one as long as they don’t mind sharing a bed with someone else.”

“Excellent. Kíli and I won’t mind sharing one. We’ll talk to the others and let you know who wants one and who doesn’t.”

“Alright.” They arrive where everyone else is lingering and they all quickly discuss the sleeping arrangements. None of the dwarves have a problem with sharing a bed for the night because soon it will be one  of many things they won’t have on the trip, real beds. Bilbo shows them where they can stay and then quickly hops off to his room so he can shift from rabbit to hobbit. Once he’s changed, he dresses and continues to hide in his room until the dwarves have all gone to sleep. He doesn’t want them to stare because even in this form, traces of the rabbit show. He has a pair of rabbit ears on his head and a fluffy bunny tail.

The dwarves, meanwhile, have gathered around the fire and sing a song about their lost home. As Bilbo listen he decides that if he hadn’t already decided to go on this adventure, the song would have moved him to go on it. They finish singing and one by one all the dwarves turn in. Once the last dwarf has turned in, Bilbo sets about packing for the journey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you have it, Chapter 2. This chapter was a little harder to write but it’s written. I couldn’t resist writing in the dwarves singing and throwing around the dishes though. That was one of the best songs of the movie. I even managed to use the lines from Caylren’s art. Like before, please comment. Let me know what you think and if you think the chapter could use some improvement.


	3. Packing and the Start of an Adventure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry about the delay in chapters. My laptop finally gave out on me and I got a new one and it took a while to get a word program on it that was decent. Now, I’m glad to see that people actually like my story. I’ll admit that I know that I’m not the best writer, but I promise to continue to write my best. Now, on with the story and the characters still belong to Tolkien.

Once Bilbo was sure that all the dwarves were sleeping, he creeps out of his room and begins packing. First, he grabs his mother’s old pack out of the storage room and makes sure it’s still useable and clean. Next, he goes back to his room and packs some spare clothes into the pack for when he changes into a hobbit. He can’t very well run around naked when he changes now can he. After that, he collects some things he figures will be useful like soap and something to do when in hobbit form. Finally he places the pack outside of Gandalf’s room so Gandalf can make sure that it is packed tomorrow with everyone else’s things. After he finishes packing, Bilbo goes over to the contract and looks over it one more time. Making sure he is still okay with everything written in it, he signs it and folds it back up. Satisfied that he’s done everything he needs to, Bilbo heads back to his room and goes to bed.

The dwarves are up bright and early the next morning, eager to begin the quest. They leave Gandalf to wake up Bilbo in favor of heading over to the Green Dragon to get some breakfast and to make sure the ponies are packed and ready to go. They notice that Gandalf seems to have an extra pack and when they inquire what it’s for, he tells them that it’s for Bilbo and leaves it at that. The dwarves don’t understand what a little rabbit needs a pack for but they just ignore it for now and take the pack to go with the rest. Once the dwarves are gone, Gandalf goes to Bilbo’s room and knocks on the door.

“Bilbo, it’s time to get up. Thorin and the others have headed over to the Green Dragon to get breakfast and make sure the ponies are ready. I’m sure you would like to have some breakfast before we set off.” He listens for any sounds of movement and can hear grumbling coming from the other side of the door.

“Why must we be up so early Gandalf? The sun has barely risen.”

“I told you, the dwarves went to get breakfast and to make sure everything’s ready. They wish to be under way with this quest as soon as possible. Cheer up though, if you’re still tired after breakfast, you can sleep on one of the ponies as we ride.”

“Gandalf, you know how I feel about ponies. They make me sneeze. But I guess I have no choice, seeing as I can’t very well follow you by hopping. I would never be able to keep up.”

“That’s the spirit. Now then, I suggest we head over to the Green Dragon and join our companions for breakfast.” Bilbo sighs and then nods.

“Alright Gandalf, lead the way.” He begins hopping towards the door when Gandalf moves in front of him, making him stop in his hopping. Bilbo stares up at him trying to figure out why he’s stopped him.

“If you don’t mind, it would be faster if I carry you over to the Green Dragon.” He can see Bilbo’s eyes wide a little before he huffs.

“Very well, but take me over to Hamfast’s place first. I’ll need him to look after the place until I come back. I don’t relish the idea of Lobelia taking over the place and making it so I can never come back.”

“Of course Bilbo, let’s go” Gandalf then scoops up Bilbo and carefully holds him while walking out of the home. He quickly walks next door and knocks. It takes a few minutes but Hamfast comes to the door and looks surprised to see Gandalf standing there, holding Bilbo.

“Good morning Hamfast.” Bilbo says. Hamfast stares for a moment before finding his voice

“Good morning Mr. Bilbo, Master Gandalf. What can I do for you?”

“I have a request for you Hamfast. I’m going on an adventure with Gandalf and the others from last night and I was wondering if you would watch over Bag End while I’m gone? Make sure that Lobelia doesn’t get her greedy hands on it, if it’s no trouble.

“Of course Mr. Bilbo, it’s no trouble at all. I’ll make sure it stays the way it is and I’ll air it out every week so it doesn’t get stuffy.”

“Thank you so much Hamfast.”

“You’re welcome. Like I said, it’s no trouble. I would rather not see Mrs. Lobelia in Bag End. The neighborhood would surely go downhill from there.” The three chuckle at the comment.

“Alright Hamfast, we’re off to the Green Dragon. Hopefully I’ll see you again. If I don’t, make sure Drogo and Primuela get Bag End.”

“Of course Mr. Bilbo, have a safe journey.”

“Thank you Hamfast, goodbye.”

“Goodbye Mr. Bilbo, Master Gandalf.” Hamfast goes back inside and Gandalf walks to the Green Dragon.

Once they reach the Green Dragon, they can hear the dwarves being loud. Bilbo rolls his eyes and sighs, hoping they don’t get kicked out. They get inside and see the company sitting off in one corner, enjoying a hearty breakfast. Gandalf goes up to the innkeeper and orders some food for Bilbo and himself and then joins the dwarves. Most of the company grumbles out what sounds like good morning while Balin and Ori both actually say it. Fíli and Kíli begin teasing him.

“You took a long time to get Mr. Boggins. We were afraid we would have to leave you behind.” says Kíli.

“Yes, that would have been a shame because we would have had to either drag you from your home or find ourselves a new burglar.” Fíli says. Bilbo chuckles and gives them a small smile.

“Sorry boys, not leaving me behind just yet. I was making sure my home would be taken care of while I’m gone. Can’t let Lobelia get in there or not even a dragon could get her out.”

“What’s a Lobelia?” Ori asks.

“Lobelia is a “relative”, related to my parents. She’s the one that wants Bag End and is outraged that I got it instead of her. She thought she would be moving up in the world and that didn’t happen. Once she finds out I’m gone, she’ll do everything in her power to obtain Bag End.”

“Don’t worry Mr. Boggins. We’ll come back with you once the quest is over and help kick her out if it’s needed.” Fíli nods his agreement with his brother.

“Thank you boys, I appreciate it.”

They finish breakfast and head outside to the ponies. They mount up and Gandalf sets Bilbo on one of the spare ponies. Almost immediately he begins sneezing. Several of the dwarves stare at him.

“Are you alright Mr. Baggins? Bofur asks.

“I’m fine Bofur.” Bilbo replies. “I always sneeze when around ponies; I’m a bit allergic to them.”

“Sorry about that. You’ll eventually get used to it though.”

“I know but if I had the choice, I wouldn’t ride at all.”

“Well, we’ll just have to take your mind off the pony. Let’s see, why don’t you tell me about the Shire.”

“Alright, where do I start? How about how the Shire came to be?” With that, Bilbo talks with Bofur, Fíli, Kíli and Ori listening intently. He forgets about even being on a pony as he talks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you have it, the next chapter. Again, sorry it took so long to get up. Chapter 4 should be up soon. Hopefully tomorrow or the day after.


	4. Chapter 4: Orcs and stories of great Kings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Here’s Chapter 4. Sorry it took so long to get posted. I lost my muse for a while but it came back and I had some life changes. So, to the story. We see Fíli and Kíli try to scare Bilbo as a joke. Thorin tears into them and we learn why Thorin hates Orcs so much. As always, Tolkien owns not me, still just playing in the toy box.

The company traveled with the three youngest and Bofur becoming fond of Bilbo. They would spend the days swapping stories and at night they took turns cuddling with him. Bilbo was a bit uncomfortable with the cuddling but let it go because it was nice not freezing to death. One night they stopped on a cliff on the trail that had a small niche that the company could rest in for the night. Fíli and Kíli were on watch while everyone save Gandalf slept. Gandalf sat a little away from the sleeping dwarves smoking his pipe. Bilbo tries to sleep but fails because the dwarves snore too loudly for his taste. He looks up to watch Bombur suck some moths in as he snored and watched as they came back out alive when he exhaled. Bilbo sighs knowing he won’t be able to sleep, so gets up and stretches. He retrieves an apple he hid from the dwarves earlier and rolls it over to the pony he had been riding for the journey so far. He makes sure no one is watching before he nudges the pony, Myrtle, to get her attention and gives her the apple. As she leans down to eat it he tells not to let anyone else know because it’s their secret and nuzzles her muzzle in affection.

As he’s nuzzling her, he hears horrible screeching noises. He immediately turns towards Fíli and Kíli.

“What was that?” He watches as Kíli listens for a moment and then answers.

“Orcs.” Bilbo immediately starts to move towards the two.

“Orcs?” As he asks his question, Thorin wakes and immediately sits up becoming alert. Fíli and Kíli decide to fill him in on Orcs.

“Throat-cutters. There’ll be dozens of them out there. The lone-lands are crawling with them.” Fíli tells him.

Kíli continues, “They strike in the wee small hours when everyone’s asleep. Quick and quiet, no screams. Just lots of blood.”

Bilbo immediately turns to look to see if any Orcs are sneaking up on them. Fíli and Kíli watch and chuckle as he does it. Thorin decides to speak not amused with their antics.

“You think that’s funny?” Bilbo turns to look as he begins to speak.

“You think a night raid by Orcs is a joke?” They immediately become chastised and Kíli speaks up.

“We didn’t mean anything by it.” Thorin walks moves away from everybody speaking as he goes.

“No you didn’t. You know nothing of the world.” Balin moves closer to Fíli and Kíli.

“Don’t mind him, laddie. Thorin has more cause than most to hate Orcs.” All the other dwarves woke and they and Bilbo listened as Balin told his tale.

“After the dragon took the Lonely Mountain…King Thror tried to reclaim the ancient Dwarf kingdom of Moria. But our enemy had got there first. Moria had been taken by legions of Orcs…led by the most vile of their race: Azog the Defiler. The Giant Gundabad Orc had sworn to wipe out the line of Durin. He began…by beheading the king. Thrain, Thorin’s father, was driven mad by grief. He went missing. Taken prisoner or killed we did not know. We were leaderless. Defeat and death were upon us.” Balin smile as he continues his tale.

“That is when I saw him. A young Dwarf prince facing down the pale Orc. He stood alone against this terrible foe. His armor rent…welding nothing but an oaken branch as a shield. Azog the Defiler learned that day that the line of Durin would not be so easily broken.”

“Our forces rallied…and drove the Orcs back. And our enemy had been defeated. But there was no feast nor song that night for our dead were beyond the count of grief. We few had survived. And I thought to myself then…there is one who I could follow. There is one…I could call king.”

As Balin finishes his tale Thorin sees the Dwarves all standing and staring at him. He lowers his head slightly and walks through them. Bilbo looks at Thorin and then back at Balin.

“And the pale Orc? What happened to him?” Thorin speaks up as he passes the others.

“He slunk back into the hole whence he came. That filth died of his wounds long ago.” Thorin makes it back to his original spot where he was sleeping earlier and sits. Balin and Gandalf look at each other and Gandalf gets a look on his face that says Thorin may be wrong.

Unbeknownst to the group they have been discovered by an Orc pack that had been looking for them. The leader of the group sends one of them back to alert their master that they have found the Dwarves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally got it finished and posted. Thank you to my readers who gave me the kick to finally continue the story. The chapter is a bit short but it’s leading up to a big part. Stay tuned and let me know what you think.


	5. Chapter 5: Trolls and Secrets Revealed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I wrote this pretty quickly. I had just finished Ch. 4 and immediately got to work on this chapter. So this chapter we finally get to see the trolls and the group learns Bilbo’s secret. As they say, on with the show.

The company continued their journey through rain and questions of wizards. As the full moon approached again, Bilbo could see the knowing twinkle in Gandalf’s eyes. He knew he should have already told them but it was something he likes to keep secret as long as possible. He’s seen how most people react when they see his ears and tail in hobbit form and he hates it. They always openly stare at him and don’t even bother to pretend they weren’t when he stares back. Some had even acted violently towards because they were scared. He’s hoping he can slip away and stay hidden until morning because he’s sure that the dwarves will react badly.

They had stopped at an old abandoned farm for the night and Gandalf and Thorin began arguing about staying there. Bilbo, sitting atop his pony, sniffed the air and could tell something was wrong. Something in the air screamed danger to him and it made him nervous. His four constant companions noticed his nervousness.

“What’s wrong Bilbo?” Kíli asks.

“This place makes me uncomfortable and nervous. It doesn’t smell right.”

“Maybe if you told Thorin, he would move to a different spot.” Fíli suggests.

“I doubt it Fíli. He won’t even listen to Gandalf.” As Bilbo says this they hear the end of the argument between Gandalf and Thorin. Gandalf begins to storm off, making Bilbo start to panic.

“Everything all right? Gandalf, where are you going?” Bilbo asks.

“To seek the company of the only one around here who’s got any sense.” Gandalf replies.

“And who’s that?”

“Myself, Mr. Baggins.” Gandalf continues to walk and they hear him continue to talk.

“I’ve had enough of dwarves for one day.” They watch as he leaves. Thorin ignores him and issues orders.

“Come on, Bombur, we’re hungry. Fíli and Kíli, watch the ponies.” Bilbo meanwhile, turns to Balin.

“Is he coming back?” Balin just shrugs because he doesn’t know. Bilbo begins to worry even more. What if they get into trouble? What if they need him? The place still unsettles him. Then his mind turns towards tonight. What if he needs help explaining what will happen later tonight? What if the dwarves act violently towards him after the change? Bilbo begins wishing he could have gone with Gandalf. Bilbo watches as the others begin setting up camp. Bombur and Bofur begin working on supper while Fíli and Kíli round up the ponies. Ori and Nori are gathering more firewood while the rest are setting up there bedrolls for the night. Lost in his observations, Bilbo doesn’t realize he’s about to be picked up until the hands close around him. He immediately begins to panic until he hears a voice trying to calm him down.

“I’m sorry Bilbo. I was just trying to get you off the pony to put you down. I didn’t mean to frighten you.” Bilbo looks up to see Kíli’s apologetic face. Bilbo calms himself down and smiles at Kíli.

“It’s alright Kíli, I just wasn’t paying attention. Next time, just give me a good poke to get my attention.” The instant he was forgiven, a big smile breaks out on Kíli’s face.

“Alright Bilbo, I’ll remember that.” He puts Bilbo on the ground and proceeds to unpack the pony. Bilbo watches as he does and sees him pull off his pack and hand it to Fíli. He knows he’ll need it put where he can get into it and have privacy doing so once he changes.

“Fíli, would you mind putting my pack a little ways into the trees?” He could tell Fíli found the request odd but didn’t question him on it.

“Of course Bilbo.” Fíli then walks over to the trees and once he’s just out of sight of the camp, puts down the pack. He comes back to continue helping his brother.

“It’s just a little ways into the trees just like you asked Bilbo. Just hop until the camp first disappears from sight and you’ll find it. Come on Kíli. Let’s get this pony with the rest.” He nods to Bilbo and he and Kíli led the pony to the rest. Bilbo looks to see the sky is starting to darken fast and quickly begins hopping towards his pack. Once he gets there he waits, listening to the sounds of the camp. As soon as the sky is dark and the moon has risen, Bilbo feels the change start to happen. Trying to be as quiet as possible he lets it happen, panting once it’s over. He moves to the pack and quickly pulls out some clothes and puts them on. Once he has clothes on, he pulls on a cloak to hide his tail and pulls up the hood to hide his ears.

He’s standing there debating how to approach the dwarves when he hears a rustling and someone grabs him. Bilbo tries struggling but it’s useless against whoever has him. They begin dragging him towards the camp and he can hear the others talking. Ori is pleading with who’s holding him not to harm him.

“Please Mr. Dwalin, he wasn’t causing any harm. Maybe he’s just lost and was too afraid to approach the camp.” Bilbo realizes that it’s Dwalin who’s currently got an iron grip on him.

“Doubtful lad, he was hovering over our burglar’s pack. He probably killed the rabbit and was waiting ‘til we fell asleep to kill and rob the rest of us.” Bilbo could fill the anger rising in him. He was no robber and he certainly didn’t appreciate being called a rabbit. He wanted to fight Dwalin but there was no chance as he was much bigger than him and they had entered the camp. All the Dwarves except Fíli and Kíli were present. He could feel their eyes on him and Dwalin as they entered. Balin is the first to speak.

“Well brother, what have we hear?”

“Found him outside of the camp in the trees hovering over our burglar’s pack.” Bofur immediately is concerned

“And Bilbo?” he asks.

“No sign of him unless his body was stuffed inside the pack.” Ori chastises him.

“Don’t say that Mr. Dwalin. Maybe Bilbo got away and went towards Fíli and Kíli or in a different direction.” Thorin, who had been thinking the entire time, finally speaks up.

“We’ll search for the burglar later. Right now we need to find out what this bandit was planning to do. Now, tell us who you are and what you’re planning.” Bilbo sighs and answers.

“I am Bilbo and I wasn’t planning anything.” Thorin and Dwalin both scoff but Bofur and Ori look confused. This person does sound like Bilbo.

“You cannot be our burglar because he is a rabbit and you are not.” Bilbo internally sighs and pulls the hood to show his ears.

“I am still partially a rabbit. I have the ears and the tail to prove it.” Dwalin pulls the cloak off of him to expose his tail and now they all are confused.

“How is this possible?” Thorin asks.

“I wasn’t lying when I told you I was cursed to be a rabbit. I just didn’t mention that every full moon I turn into a hobbit with rabbit ears and tail.” Balin chuckles a little.

“Maybe you should’ve lad. Then this whole encounter could have been avoided.”

“How do you think you would’ve reacted if I had told you? I was afraid to tell you because I thought you might react negatively and it wouldn’t have been the first time that’s happened. You probably would’ve called me a liar and demanded I show, which I wouldn’t have been able to. Or you would’ve believed me, watched me the entire and then when it came time for me to change, all of you probably would’ve hovered to see the change happen. That would’ve been rude by the way because it’s painful to change and I’m naked when I do and I enjoy my privacy.”

He realizes that all of them are staring at him in astonishment until Balin starts to laugh, then the others stare at Balin. Bilbo gets a little angry that Balin is laughing at him or the situation, he’s not sure which and it makes him snap a little.

“What is so funny Master Balin?” Balin takes a moment to catch his breath and compose himself.

“You claim you didn’t know how we would react to this lad but you guessed it no problem. Half of us would’ve have called you a liar and demanded proof and the other half would’ve have believed you and hoped to catch a glimpse of your change.” They watched as Bilbo processed this information.

“Well, it may have been foolish of me not to tell all of you that first night when we were in my home.”

“Aye lad, it probably was.” Balin agrees.

Bofur breaks the awkward silence that follows, “Well then, why don’t you take the lads their dinner Bilbo. They’ll appreciate it and it’ll give them a chance to see you so they won’t be surprised later.” Bilbo stares at him for a moment before moving.

“Of course Bofur, can’t let them starve.” He takes the pre-offered bowls and walks off towards Fíli and Kíli. As he’s walking away Bofur smacks Bombur on the hand and tells him he’s had enough food. Bilbo chuckles as he’s walking away.

Bilbo stops a little ways away from Fíli and Kíli so they won’t attack him and calls out to them.

“Fíli, Kíli. I have your supper.” When he doesn’t get a response he walks closer and he can tell by the looks on their faces that something is wrong. Bilbo decides to find out what’s wrong.

“What’s the matter?” They look towards him and are startle by what they see. Kíli finds his voice first.

 “Bilbo? How is this possible? You’re a hobbit now!” Fíli adds his input.

“Is this some sort of trick?” Bilbo sighs and looks skyward.

“This is no trick. I’ll explain it to you later. Now, what’s the matter?”

“We’re supposed to be looking after the ponies” Kíli answers.

“Only we encountered a slight problem.” Fíli continues.

“We had 16.” Kíli continues after Fíli.

“Now there’s 14.” Fíli finishes. The three quickly move to see if they find the missing ponies and to find out which ponies are missing.

“Daisy and Bungo are missing.” Kíli tells Bilbo and Fíli.

“Well, that’s not good. Ha, ha.” Bilbo replies. He holds a bowl out to Fíli and continues talking.

“And that is not good at all. Shouldn’t we tell Thorin?”

“Uh, no. Let’s not worry him.” Fíli tells him. “As our official burglar, we thought you might like to look into it.”

“Well uh. Look, something big uprooted these trees.” He moves towards the uprooted trees and circles around them.

“That was our thinking.” Kíli replies.

“It was something very big and possibly quite dangerous.” Bilbo comes to stand behind one of the trees. They hear a noise that sounds like footsteps.

“Hey. There’s a light.” Fíli says as he looks toward it. “Over here.” He gestures to Kíli to come closer. The three crouch behind one of the trees as Fíli tells them to stay down. They can hear grunting and laughter coming from the direction of the light.

Bilbo leans towards Fíli and asks, “What is it?”

“Trolls.” Kíli answers. He and Fíli then leap over the tree to get a closer look. Bilbo puts down the two bowls of food and starts to follow but then goes back and grabs the food and then follows them again. They stop behind some more trees and they watch as a troll walks by carrying two more ponies. Bilbo looks at the two ponies.

“He’s got Myrtle and Minty! I think they’re gonna eat them. We have to do something.” Fíli and Kíli both look at him.

“Yes, you should.” Kíli tells him. He gets up and moves to the other side of Bilbo, grabbing one of the bowls as he does.

“Mountain Trolls are slow and stupid, and you’re so small, they’ll never see you. It’s perfectly safe. We’ll be right behind you.”

Fíli reaches and grabs the other bowl and tells him, “If you run into trouble, hoot twice like a barn owl and once like a brown owl.” He then pushes Bilbo towards the trolls. Bilbo walks a little trying to remember the signal but can’t and turns back to ask a question.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” He no longer sees them. He can hear one of the trolls complaining about eating mutton yesterday and today and probably mutton tomorrow and Bilbo crouches a little, steels himself and heads towards the trolls. He can hear one of the trolls tell the complaining one that the ponies aren’t sheep but fresh nags. The smallest troll Tom complains that he doesn’t like horses and never has because they don’t have enough fat. The one tending the cooking pot, Bert, says it’s better than a leathery old farmer because he was skin and bone and he’s still picking him out of his teeth.

Bilbo slowly makes his way around the edge of the troll camp towards the ponies as they talk. He watches as Tom sneezes right into the pot leaving snot floating in it. The others comment on it saying it may improve the flavor of it. Tom says there’s more where that came from and goes to spit into the pot when Bert stops him and makes him sit back down.

Bilbo has finally reached the ponies and is trying to untie the knot on the gate holding them in but can’t get it undone. He sees that Tom has a knife on his belt and decides he’s going to try to steal it to cut the rope. He starts to head towards the troll, changes his mind and then changes it again. He crawls along the ground towards the troll telling the ponies to be quiet at the same time so he won’t get caught.

He’s finally behind the troll and about to grab the knife when the troll stands up. Bilbo crouches down and has to watch as the troll scratches his butt and then sits back down. He stands up and is about to grab the knife again when the troll begins making sneezing noise and reaches back to grab his handkerchief and grabs Bilbo with it. The troll sneezes on Bilbo and then screams when he sees him.

“Blimey. Bert. Bert! Look what’s come out of me hooter. It’s got arms and legs and everything.” Tom tells Bert

“What is it?” Bert asks.

The small troll replies, “I don’t know. But I don’t like the way it wriggles around.” He throws Bilbo on the ground. Bilbo quickly gets up and comes face to face with the three trolls.

“What are you, then? An oversized squirrel?” The third troll, William, asks.

“I’m a burglar—Uh, Hobbit.” Bilbo replies.

“A burglar Hobbit?” Tom asks.

“Can we cook him?” William asks.

“We can try.” Tom answers and takes a swipe to grab Bilbo. Bilbo dodges and runs another direction but Bert blocks his path.

“He wouldn’t make more than a mouthful. Not when he’s skinned and boned.” Bert says and smacks Bilbo with his spoon. Bilbo stumbles in the direction of William and right to William’s knife.

“Perhaps there’s more burglar Hobbits around these parts. Might be enough for a pie.” William says and pushes Bilbo back towards Bert. Bilbo dodges Bert as William says to grab and Tom says he’s too quick. Bilbo dodges between Tom’s feet but William manages to grab his legs and holds him upside down.

“Right. Come here, you little—Gotcha. Are there anymore of you little fellas hiding where you shouldn’t?” William asks.

“No.” Bilbo replies quickly.

“He’s lying.” Tom says.

Bilbo replies, “No, I’m not.”

“Hold his toes over the fire. Make him squeal!” Tom tells William.

Suddenly Kíli bursts through the foliage, slicing Tom in the leg twice.

“Drop him!” Kíli commands.

“You what?” William asks.

Kíli twirls his sword and says, “I said, drop him.” He holds his sword in front of him. William growls at him and then proceeds to throw Bilbo at him. Kíli catches Bilbo and falls to the ground as the rest of the Dwarves come bursting out of the trees and attack the trolls, Thorin in the lead. Kíli quickly helps Bilbo up and then rushes to join the fighting. Bilbo is unsure as what to do but hears the ponies and rushes towards them determined to free them. He picks up one of the trolls’ discarded knives and quickly cuts the rope. As the ponies rush out they make a lot of noise and William hears it and notices Bilbo freeing their dinner. He rushes forward and grabs him.

The Dwarves have all ended up together on one side of the camp. Ori had just been tossed that way and Dori and Kíli were helping him up. As Kíli turns he sees that the troll has Bilbo.

“Bilbo!” He screams and goes to run towards him but Thorin stops him.

“Don’t!” Thorin tells him. William and Bert each have one of Bilbo’s arms and legs held in their grip.

“Lay down your arms or we’ll rip his off.” William tells them. Bilbo looks at Thorin with fear in his eyes. He’s afraid that the troll will actually do it. Kíli watches as Thorin stares for a moment before pushing the point of his sword into the dirt. He can’t believe Thorin did that and as the others throw down their weapons, he angrily throws down his. Ori follows Kíli’s example and throws down his sling-shot angrily.

The trolls take their weapons and armor and put the company half the company on a spit and the other half in sacks. The Dwarves on the spit complain that it’s hot. Bilbo has been set off to the side separately because Bert wants to keep him as a pet because of his ears and tail. As they turn the spit the Trolls begin to argue about how to cook the Dwarves.

“Don’t bother cooking them. Let’s just sit on them and squash them into jelly.” Tom says.

“They should be sautéed and grilled with a sprinkle of sage.” Bert tells Tom.

“That does sound quite nice.” Tom says. The Dwarves meanwhile are trying to get the Trolls to let them go.

“Never mind the seasoning. We ain’t got all night. Dawn ain’t far away. Let’s get a move on. I don’t fancy being turned to stone.” William says. As he’s speaking Bilbo is listening and he gets the idea to stall until the sun comes up.

“Wait! You are making a terrible mistake.” Bilbo tells the Trolls.

“You can’t reason with them. They’re half-wits!” Dori shouts to him from the spit.

“Half-wits? What does that make us?” Bofur asks Dori. Bilbo ignores them and continues addressing the Trolls, moving a little closer as he does.

“I meant with the seasoning.” Bilbo continues.

“What about the seasoning?” Bert asks.

“Well, have you smelt them?” Bilbo asks. “You’re going to need something stronger than sage before you plate this lot up.” All the Dwarves near him immediately start complaining with Bombur shouting that he’s a traitor.

“What do you know about cooking Dwarf?” William asks.

“Shut up.” Bert tells him. “Let the flurgaburburhobbit talk.”

Bilbo smiles and continues, “The secret to cooking Dwarf is um.” He pauses as he tries to think of something.

“Yes? Come on. Tell us the secret.” Bert tells him.

“It’s uh...” Bert continues to tell him to hurry up.

“Yes, I’m telling you. The secret is…to skin them first.” The Dwarves are immediately outrage and start shouting at him.

“Tom, get me filleting knife.” Bert says.

“What a load of rubbish. I’ve eaten plenty with their skins on. Scarf them, I say, boots and all.” William tells Bert. As William speaks, Bilbo notices Gandalf pass behind some rocks.

“He’s right. Nothing wrong with a bit of raw Dwarf.” Tom says and picks up Bombur, holding him over his mouth ready to devour him.

“Nice and crunchy.” Bilbo panics and says the first thing that comes to mind.

“Oh, not that one. He’s infected.”

“Huh?” Tom says.

“You what?” William asks. Bilbo continues with his lies.

“Yeah, he’s got worms in his tubes.”

“Eww!” Tom says and then proceeds to throw Bombur back on top of the rest of them. Bilbo continues trying to convince the Trolls not to eat the Dwarves.

“In fact, they all have. They’re infested with parasites. It’s a terrible business. I wouldn’t risk it. I really wouldn’t.” Of course the Dwarves are not happy with him and his lie.

“Goodness sakes. Parasites? Did he say “parasites”?” Óin asks.

“We don’t parasites. You have parasites.” Kíli yells outraged at Bilbo’s lie. Bilbo rolls his eyes because they’re ruining everything when the Trolls were just beginning to believe him. The Dwarves are still complaining when Thorin realizes what’s going on and kicks Kíli to shut him up. The others look at Thorin and suddenly realize what’s going on. They all start shouting support to Bilbo’s claim of parasites.

“I’ve got parasites as big as my arm.” Óin shouts. Kíli quickly joins him.

“Mine are the biggest parasites. I’ve got huge parasites,” he shouts. The rest of the Dwarves join in. The Trolls start to become suspicious as the Dwarves shout.

“We’re riddles,” one shouts.

“Yes, I’m riddled,” Ori chimes in.

“Yes, we are, badly,” Dori tells them.

“What would you have us do, then? Let them all go?” William asks Bilbo as he moves towards him. Bilbo cocks his head to side as if he’s considering this.

“Well…,” he says. William pokes him as he speaks.

“You think I don’t know what you’re up to?” he asks. He walks back towards the spit and goes to continue turning it.

“This little ferret is taking us for fools,” he tells the others. Bilbo is upset by that.

“Ferret?” he asks.

“Fools?” Bert asks William. Suddenly they hear Gandalf.

“The dawn will take you all.” he tells them as he moves to stand on a rock.

“Who’s that?” William asks.

“No idea.” Bert responds.

“Can we eat him too?” Tom asks. Gandalf raises his staff and cracks the stone upon which he’s standing, letting the sunlight shine on the Trolls. The Trolls immediately begin turning into stone. The Dwarves upon seeing this begin to laugh.

“Get your foot out of my back.” Dwalin tells one of the others on the spit with him. With that, the Dwarves immediately set to work freeing themselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you have it, Chapter 5. The scene with the Trolls was one of my favorite parts of the movie so I had to put it in there. Hopefully I’ll get Chapter 6 written and up soon. My internet is acting up so we’ll see. As always, reviews are welcome and please let me know if my grammar is wrong. I hated English class in school.

**Author's Note:**

> So there you have it, the first chapter. Please let me know what you think and I'm happy to take suggestions. Like I said at the top, anyone wanting to beta the story is welcome. Message me about it.
> 
> Had to update chapter because I noticed a few spelling and grammar errors. Don't worry to those of you who are following the story, Ch.2 is coming. I just need to work out the direction I want the party scene to go.


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